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The Drifter.

By Jamari Jordan

The ultimate goal is move forward
But, how can I if I don’t know where I’m moving to
Then, doubt creeps in and finds a home in my dreams
Now, like a visiting relative, it just won’t catch the hint and leave

So, I begin to drift, trying to get away from the doubt
I find myself in places I shouldn’t be
With people I shouldn’t be around
Doing things I shouldn’t be doing

Now, drifting seems like the norm
Different routes with similar results
Different people, same issues
The riddle I can’t solve

The footnote
The 27th letter
The 53rd card in a deck
The shadow that stands alone in the sun

I’ve tried for 20 years to shake this feeling
All the tricks and tips to no avail
Confidence has become an afterthought
I’m just hopelessly drifting with no direction

I’m lost at sea
And see, sickness doesn’t even begin to describe this feeling
That feeling where you hate to sleep because your dreams don’t exist
And the same feeling you hate seeing your friends succeed because you can’t

And it’s not jealousy, far from it
It’s just hard to happy for someone else, when you can’t be for yourself
Then that leads to a rift and you begin to drift away from those closest to you
Because being close requires too much work and you rather sulk

Rather sit in self-pity and doubt than work on your issues
And won’t ask for help because that’s for the weak
But you’re so exhausted from carrying that load on that shoulders
But no one can help carry it because you pushed everyone away

So I’m just sitting in this room with the door locked
I can only move so much between these four walls
For this temporary moment, I stop drifting
But as I relax, doubt, pity, and the rest of my problems knock on the door

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